Darling Dad,
It's a month now. You decided to move on from us on your 65th birthday... At that time, I thought I understood. Medically the doctors lost hope, your body wouldn't respond, all your vital organs failed. You were so much in pain that they had to keep you sedated. Despite that, when I came, you responded to me. When I said your grand daughter had also come along, you tried to say something to me. Can I say I'll cherish those moments? I know it's going to be permanently etched in my memories...
I've been wanting to write this dedication to you for so long now... but how do I write about a relationship in mere words? Well, I am writing now because I want to ease my pain of losing you. I don't think this is helping though.
You've always said that your son and daughter are none but your parents... I am not sure if our relationship was mutually respectful because of that. This has been the case right from when I remember. By including us in discussions, you gave us responsibility very young, made us understand what is to be valued in life. You sent us to India with mom pretty young in our age because you wanted us to grow independent and street smart. Anything that we wanted came with a cost, which you made us understand and respect. You made sure you provided well for the family. So many times when I have asked you for something that would be out of budget for the month, you'll ask me why it was important to me. If it was justified, you would always say "dont think about money if this is useful for you. I will always provide money. " And you will stick to your word. Particularly when it came to education, you have not had a moment to spare for second thoughts.
While you did whatever had to be done for the family, you provided for others too. You taught us by being a living example that it's important for us to share our resources with people who are needy in whatever way we can. I have lost count as to how many fees you've paid for numerous people, responsibilities and duties you have taken up performing various roles in your life even when we were in financially tight spots.
I remember the early days of being separated from you. I was crying one day and amma (who very rarely sheds tears) also broke down trying to console me. She said "do you think this is easy for all of us? It is also very difficult for appa. At least we are together here, whereas he's living there all alone working his way to ensure that both of you make good lives for yourself. If you really feel the pain, you need to study hard and make sure that you don't fail him and his efforts".
I thought the separation all along would probably be easier for me to cope up with your loss...
But i was wrong. Though we were separate, you were always there for me. There was always a routine... you would always call. You would talk to me... there always was a good 30 days when you used to come beaming for annual vacation... the beam used to shrink each day closer to the day of traveling back and the final week of your stay you always used to say "Study well, take care of your mom" etc.... there always used to be a next time.
When i came for our annual vacation this time, I didn't know that was going to be the last time I would see you beam at me! Had i known, i probably wouldn't have left....! Now there's no next time anymore... I never knew I could miss anybody more. I miss our routines... I miss your intervention in my life... I wish there's a next time...
Well, I dont know what else to say.... I don't think I will ever stop missing you. But maybe sometime in the future I will be ok with the fact that you are no longer there physically. I just hope you are still a doting dad, guiding us from above, like always.
Love you forever!
#Still-a-heavy-heart!
It's a month now. You decided to move on from us on your 65th birthday... At that time, I thought I understood. Medically the doctors lost hope, your body wouldn't respond, all your vital organs failed. You were so much in pain that they had to keep you sedated. Despite that, when I came, you responded to me. When I said your grand daughter had also come along, you tried to say something to me. Can I say I'll cherish those moments? I know it's going to be permanently etched in my memories...
I've been wanting to write this dedication to you for so long now... but how do I write about a relationship in mere words? Well, I am writing now because I want to ease my pain of losing you. I don't think this is helping though.
You've always said that your son and daughter are none but your parents... I am not sure if our relationship was mutually respectful because of that. This has been the case right from when I remember. By including us in discussions, you gave us responsibility very young, made us understand what is to be valued in life. You sent us to India with mom pretty young in our age because you wanted us to grow independent and street smart. Anything that we wanted came with a cost, which you made us understand and respect. You made sure you provided well for the family. So many times when I have asked you for something that would be out of budget for the month, you'll ask me why it was important to me. If it was justified, you would always say "dont think about money if this is useful for you. I will always provide money. " And you will stick to your word. Particularly when it came to education, you have not had a moment to spare for second thoughts.
While you did whatever had to be done for the family, you provided for others too. You taught us by being a living example that it's important for us to share our resources with people who are needy in whatever way we can. I have lost count as to how many fees you've paid for numerous people, responsibilities and duties you have taken up performing various roles in your life even when we were in financially tight spots.
I remember the early days of being separated from you. I was crying one day and amma (who very rarely sheds tears) also broke down trying to console me. She said "do you think this is easy for all of us? It is also very difficult for appa. At least we are together here, whereas he's living there all alone working his way to ensure that both of you make good lives for yourself. If you really feel the pain, you need to study hard and make sure that you don't fail him and his efforts".
I thought the separation all along would probably be easier for me to cope up with your loss...
But i was wrong. Though we were separate, you were always there for me. There was always a routine... you would always call. You would talk to me... there always was a good 30 days when you used to come beaming for annual vacation... the beam used to shrink each day closer to the day of traveling back and the final week of your stay you always used to say "Study well, take care of your mom" etc.... there always used to be a next time.
When i came for our annual vacation this time, I didn't know that was going to be the last time I would see you beam at me! Had i known, i probably wouldn't have left....! Now there's no next time anymore... I never knew I could miss anybody more. I miss our routines... I miss your intervention in my life... I wish there's a next time...
Well, I dont know what else to say.... I don't think I will ever stop missing you. But maybe sometime in the future I will be ok with the fact that you are no longer there physically. I just hope you are still a doting dad, guiding us from above, like always.
Love you forever!
#Still-a-heavy-heart!
